my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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