Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
