I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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