Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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