Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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