so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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