I'm gonna have a badass scar
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
