Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
