I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
