when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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