she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
