I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
