My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
