Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
