She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
