You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
