need another drink. this is the easiest way
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
