I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
