Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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