These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
