I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
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