Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm just crazy horny about you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
