I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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