This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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