if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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