you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
