Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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