I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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