Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
