your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
