Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
