omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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