Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
