bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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