Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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