true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
