Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
