really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
