She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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