toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
