woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
