note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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