I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
