Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
