There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
