I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
