He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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