On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
