I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
