Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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